The Home of Ben May, Hervey Bay, QLD, Australia. Personal Blog of Ben May, Hervey bay

26 comments

1. 

   Hi, i recently found out that i have OCD. It has been suggested to me that i find online peers, who might be dealing with the same problems and to share experiences. It would be great to give and have that support.

   Deb on 5th March, 2009 at 12:00 pm

2. 

   Hi Ben,
   I was diagnozed, 2 years ago, as having OCPD. That was when I was 49 y.o. I can relate to your blog. I am exactly the same !! When I was diagnozed as having OCPD – I saw my entire life flash before me. I knew, then, why everything has happened to me; losing friends, being unable to marry, etc, etc. My father was a “perfectionist” too. I’m on the Sunshine Coast, QLD.
   Cheers mate – Rob

   Rob on 24th April, 2009 at 11:15 am

3. 

   Hi Rob, nice to hear from you

   Ben May on 25th April, 2009 at 5:03 pm

4. 

   Hi Ben,
   I have been researching the net trying to find out about something I believe my partner has. After reading your blog I thought… wow this sounds familiar.
   My partner is obsessive about cleanliness and control, he is a workaholic, will spend hours organising his work schedule, has difficulty showing tenderness, and yes then there’s the argument thing. He thinks that he just likes things tidy and no one understands. He will even get quite angry if things are not just so which has resulted in our breaking up several times.
   Any suggestions on how to find out if this is his problem and any treatment options? or where to get some information that I can show him so he can decide for himself?
   Thanks,
   Cherie on the Sunshine Coast

   Cherie on 20th May, 2009 at 5:51 pm

5. 

   Hi Cherie,

   OCPD is a very difficult condition to diagnoze. I just happened to “get a doctor” who has OCD, and she was able to recognize “the symptoms” easily. Your hubby sure sounds as though he has OCPD. I sympathize strongly with you. Unless he “wants” to see that he has it – he can’t be helped. There is no real “drug therapy” to treat this condition. The only REAL treatment is “retraining the mind”. There is much out there in cyberspace, which you could “dot point” (showing examples of how your hubby fits each dot-point, as Ben has done on his site). But – this is most likely going to be shrugged off, as being too “broad” (with the excuse: “anyone” could fit those dot-points, sort of thing}. Your hubby needs to start taking an HONEST look at himself. He needs to accept that he MIGHT have OCPD. If/when he can accept this – he might start reasoning : “Why is all this happening to me ?”. That – is when he has the potential to start being “helped”.A Psychologist helped me understand my own condition. She helped me understand WHY I have it. It all stems from paternal childhood experiences. Until then – long-suffering & tolerance on YOUR part, is the only thing that might bring your hubby to realize his condition. I wish you all the best.

   Cheers – Rob

   Rob on 23rd May, 2009 at 9:51 am

6. 

   Great piece Ben can you forward it to me please.
   kevin

   Dr Kevin Brennan on 30th May, 2009 at 7:10 pm

7. 

   HI Ben and other readers. I found your site very interesting, while researching on ocpd which i believe my boyfriend, who broke up with me two months ago, has. The break up makes no sense. (He says I was a ’10′ as a person but we were an ’8′ as a match and maybe he can find a ’9′ match). He said he was going back and forth in his mind for weeks between marrying me and breaking up with me (I was not pressuring whatsoever). I would have compromised or worked on anything, but he would not give me a chance and said he would not change his mind and never changes his mind on anything. By the way, he is 55. I would love to hear from others about how ocpd affects relationships and the need for perfection and the fear of vulnerability, etc. He said he was in love with me, fell out and does not want to be in love with me. His break up was very sudden and it is a hard thing to understand. Thank you very much.

   usareader on 16th September, 2009 at 4:12 am

8. 

   Hi, I can feel your pain. My ex-boyfriend had OCPD. One day he “wanted to spend the rest of his life with me” and the very next day he “couldn’t possibly live with me” with there being no indicents to inspire the drastic change of heart. My ex did the same thing, on Sunday was talking marriage and then on Monday it was “impossible” and all over. But it was never smooth sailing and there were several breakups over the same thing. I think it must be a very hard world for them to live in… just a few dishes in the sink would be enough to release a tirade about my house being messy. And the frustration of not being able to control how someone else’s home is run is just too much for them. My ex is in his 40′s and has never been able to live with a partner. Very small issues are turned into great burdens in their mind. He had started medication to try and help but it just didn’t seem to be helping him. I also believe that it gets worse as they get older too. If your ex does realise he has a problem and seeks medical help there is still a long road ahead for him. Unfortunately there are no quick and simple permanent fixes.

   Sunshine Coast on 16th September, 2009 at 9:45 am

9. 

   As Oprah would say – He’s just not that into you. Once you accept that fact and let him go, you too will be trapped in the present.

   Patricia on 16th September, 2009 at 1:52 pm

10. 

    As Oprah would say – He’s just not that into you. UNTIL you accept that fact and let him go, you too will be trapped in the present.

    Patricia on 16th September, 2009 at 2:40 pm

11. 

    Thank you, Sunshine Coast, for your response. How long did it take you to understand that your ex-boyfriend was ocpd or did you know it all along? How long were you together and up until when? Was it hard for you to get over the break-up? Did he say he ‘fell out of love’ suddenly? I was unaware of ocpd during the relationship, and have only learned now that I am doing research. The book, “”Too Perfect” has helped. He has all the qualities of control, perfectionism, rules, guardedness, rigidity, workaholism, etc. But he was so loving and affectionate all along. I don’t think for him it was so much that things were not neat enough at my house (although he definitely had rules about that, but we spent a lot of time at his house), but that I was not perfect enough. He cited things like that I eat french fries (he eats only health food) and that I like restaurants. Those things pale in comparison to all the good in the relationship. He agreed we had a fantastic relationship so it doesn;t make sense, and he says it doesn’t have to make sense. I wonder if he also couldn’t handle the vulnerability associated with closeness and how that means to them some kind of loss of control. He doesn’t think anything wrong with him. I have ended up feeling very hurt and confused and I miss him very much. Thank you for any guidance you can offer.

    usareader on 17th September, 2009 at 8:09 am

12. 

    We only had a very short term relationship. I always thought things didn’t seem right with him but one day when he threw a tantrum because I didn’t clean the sink after pulling plug I started researching. He agreed that he seemed to be text book OCPD and I think he felt quite relieved to put a name to it. He was exhausting himself mentally with the never ending scheduling and re-scheduling going on in his head. The fact that you spent most your time at his place probably helped as he would have had more control at his place. Yes they seem to pick a flaw and focus on that, regardless of how minor the flaw is. It may not even be a flaw but just a perceived flaw in their mind. My ex was happy as long as he was in full control and everyone abided by his rules. And yes they do have trouble letting go in a relationship as then they lose control (to their emotions). If he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him then I’m afraid that it is a losing battle. Even if they do accept it and get medical help there is no guarantee it will help. From what I researched it takes years of counselling to retrain the mind and even then often they will not complete the treatment as they think they are fine now. I found it hard (still do) dealing with the breakup but in reality I couldn’t live my life like that. And sorry to say but if you ex is in his 50′s the odds of him changing are extremely slim. Your life is you own and spending it under the control of someone is not a good way to live. Maybe he has done you a favour. I know that mine sure did.

    Sunshine Coast on 17th September, 2009 at 8:29 am

13. 

    Hi everyone,
    I’ve just been reading over the comments and thought I should say something as it is almost being implied you can’t really live with someone with OCPD. I am Ben’s partner of 3 years and while there are times when I will become very annoyed because he spends too much time at work – it all works out in the end.
    I suppose though, it depends on how badly someone has it and also depends what type of person they are. I think that if they are pretty laid back (as Ben is) but still had OCPD you can still work together to make it work.
    I hope that those of you who have had heartache over OCPD issues that you will find someone who will be a lot easier to live with and I’m sure you’ll be a lot happier.

    Shannon on 17th September, 2009 at 8:54 am

14. 

    Sunshine Coast and Shannon, thank you so much for your comments. I can so much relate to everything you say and it means a lot to me to talk to others who have experience with this. Although each person with ocpd is an individual, I think there are a lot of similarities. Shannon, I think you are so lucky that Ben must have a mild case and is obviously aware of it and is pretty laid back. I just wish I had been given the chance to have more time with my ex-boyfriend, because I would have been more than willing to try to compromise and work out any of the issues. I was very happy with him, and willing to accept his ‘quirks,’ because i thought all the good far outweighed any bad. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect and I accept the differences. He said we had an ’8′ match, which to me was plenty great. Thanks again for all your input. I will continue to read this blog for any guidance I can find while I try to understand all this.

    usareader on 18th September, 2009 at 6:35 am

15. 

    I notice that Ben and other posters here have used Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive Compulisive PERSONALITY Disorder as if they were the same thing. (Caps used here simply for clarification). There is a big difference. OCD involves repetitious behavious (handwashing, lock checking etc) that the person recognises as compulsions but which don’t impact on most other aspects of personality. OCPD however, involves a perfectionist outlook that affects and may impede every other aspect of the person’s life. It should be renamed “Perfectionist Disorder”.

    Dunc on 25th October, 2009 at 9:40 am

16. 

    Hi Dunc, Ben & other readers.
    You are absolutely correct Dunc !!
    OCD sufferers KNOW they have the condition.
    OCPD sufferers have NO IDEA that they have the condition.
    My father was a “perfectionist”, and through his interaction with me, as a child, it has “rubbed off” onto me.
    “Perfection” is NEVER REACHED for an OCPD sufferer, because once a goal is achieved – it is “never good enough”.

    I HAVE to do better !!!!

    “Have” is where the obsessive compulsive bit comes in to the picture.

    Personally speaking – I am NEVER satisfied with any achievements. I am always feeling as though “I could do better”; regardless of how good a job I’ve completed in someone else’s eyes.

    Basically – OCPD is a condition that causes you to try to cover an Insecurity Complex. This is difficult for some sufferers to grasp. If they’re HONEST with themselves – they’ll see the logic.

    I hope this has helped someone. Best wishes,
    Robert (from the Sunshine Coast, QLD).

    Robert on 25th October, 2009 at 7:06 pm

17. 

    I am diagnosed at 23 with OCPD. It manifested in me with total perfection issues and eating disorder tendencies.
    I totally agree that OCPD is about hiding insecurity with rules and control. I always feel most compulsive- to eat, not eat, look in mirror, clean- whatever- when I am feeling rejected or nervous. Also, I had no idea this was a condition, I thought I just had really, really high standards for myself. My therapist read me a list of the indicators and well… its was like an umbrella opened up that totally fit all my crazy behaviors under it.

    I write about my OCPD on my blog Bashing Perfect -http://bashingperfect.blogspot.com/

    Check it out, its been great for my to write about it

    Dawne on 28th October, 2009 at 5:00 am

18. 

    Hi all
    OCPD definitely describes my now ex with regard to domestic issues. It was so bad i was a nervous wreck in the kitchen doing everything ‘wrong’ like washin up, laundry folding, cutting veg,sink wrinsing, bed making etc etc

    Whilst surfing this problem has anyone come across Narcissm, BPD etc?. I have. My ex showed text booked OCPD traits but other traits too like subtle constant criticisms, shouting down my opinions of other people, world events etc, aligning me to her way of thinking, acting etc,controlling how many tins of beer i drink at home on a sat night (3 max or a row) , eggshells, rarely apologised, never wrong, fell in and of out love me within minutes\hours\days, paranoid i told my mother everything about our relationship, she decided when we went home from a night out. I could go on
    However, she was not really jealous or stopped me seeing friends\family which is not the trait of a controller but she was a controller, confusing!

    Has anyone else wondered if their partner has other ‘disorders’ ?

    Not sure what my ex has. A few traits of a few disorders by the looks of it

    joe on 13th January, 2010 at 1:08 am

19. 

    Hi
    I think what I am trying to find out is what are other peoples ocpd partners( or ex’s) like when you take them out of the home environment where they can’t criticize you for not doing domestic things ‘wrong’ ?

    Are\were they still controlling ?
    any experiences appreciated
    cheers
    Joe

    Joe on 13th January, 2010 at 8:00 pm

20. 

    Hi Everyone,
    I have just spent the past hour or so reading over this blog, and I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that there are other people in my situation.
    I have been in a relationship with a man for the past 12 months who has OCPD. He has not been medically diagnosed, but after weeks of doing research on personality disorders there is no doubt in my mind that he has OCPD.
    What made me think he has OCPD? The first sign was his house. It is so cluttered and messy, and he collects useless things like old newspapers and elastic bands. He deems them ‘useful’, but never ever uses them. He just stores things, filing them away or putting them into piles.
    The next thing that became apparent was his obsession with work. He was always late to dinners or the movies or any social function because of work. Sometimes, out of frustration, I would ask him “couldn’t it have waited until tomorrow?” and he would just cough and splutter. His inability to leave work would often result in me being left alone in a restaurant, or cooking dinner only to have it spoiled. I would end up in tears, and he would treat me like I was irrational or ask if I had PMT. My menstrual cycle had nothing to do with how I felt, and any woman would have reacted the same way. For some reason though, I always told myself that it was me – that I needed to be more ‘flexible’ and ‘understanding’. Now that I have done my own research, I know that people with OCPD are perhaps the most inflexible people in society. Still, those of us in relationships with them continue to blame ourselves and promise to be more easy going and forgiving.
    Another trait that I noticed early on was his inability to make decisions. He has been thinking about buying a house for over five years. He goes to auctions, talks to realtors, but can never, ever make a decision. He has also thought about buying a new car, but has spent the past year unable to decide which one. More recently, his washing machine broke down. I went with him to buy a new one, and after visiting four different stores and looking and hundreds of models he was unable to make a decision on the day. He needed to go away and think about it. A week later he still hadn’t made a decision, and it was only because of his need for clean clothes that he ended up buying one. Even after he bought it he spent weeks wondering if it was actually the ‘right’ one for him. I kept saying “it’s just a washing machine, so long as it does what it is supposed to do who cares”, but he didn’t share my view.
    Selfishness also seems to be a part of OCPD. He often walks in to my apartment and changes the channel on my TV without asking me if I was happy watching whatever was on, but if I touched the remote at his place then God help me. During summer he’d comment if he thought my apartment was too warm, and open a window without asking me if I was ok with it too. I could go on and on about selfishness….
    Finally, the last thing I want to mention, and perhaps the most important to me, is how critical he has become of me. When we were first seeing each other, he would criticize me in a way that was sarcastic or funny, but after a couple of months that wore off. He would comment if I spent too long in the shower, but also comment if he thought I had been too quick in the shower. Once I had to drive his car, and he criticized my driving all the way home, even though I’d never driven his car before and it had been years since I’d driven a manual. Lately he has been criticizing the clothes I wear, and even the food I order when we eat out.
    Despite all of the OCPD traits that I have mentioned, I love this man, and it devastates me to imagine my life without him. There are moments of total bliss, when everything feels ‘normal’ and I’m incredibly happy. But there are fewer and fewer of these times, and my own self esteem is now at rock bottom because of the constant criticism and lack of emotional connection. All I ever wanted in a partner was someone who was kind and caring, and this is becoming harder for him as he gets older. However, this week I decided that I love him enough to speak to a professional and seek their advice. I am so confused about whether to give up on this relationship and put myself first and move on, or stay with him and work through these issues, and I hope that speaking to a psychologist will give me some guidance.

    Nicky on 8th February, 2010 at 10:01 pm

21. 

    Nicky, many of the issues and behaviors you describe sound just like my exbf (undiagnosed but has every one of the ocpd traits) also, and it very, very badly affected my self esteem, just as you say. Only when he broke up with me (very suddenly, claiming he no longer loved me) did he cite things like that i eat french fries and i once ate three desserts (i am not at all overweight, but he is a health food fanatic and has a million food-related rules).
    I would suggest you read the threads on this website, they help me a lot. http://ocpd.freeforums.org/ Best of luck.

    usareader on 9th February, 2010 at 8:38 am

22. 

    I have a parent with OCPD. It is very hard to communicate with this person and one reason I discovered is that everything done is from the point of view of how they would like things done. For instance if the person wants to do the smallest task in another persons, home they simply must ask permission. This in itself is very irritating since they cannot work out what is important to ask about and what is not. Their explanation is that that is what they would like others to do in their house. The idea that two strangers let alone two family members might be able to interact in the house of each othe without a zillion rules and a hundred games of twenty questions every day is beyond their comprehension. It’s like they have their outward looking social antenna turned of and just cannot pick up how to get in syc and work in synergy with someone in say, a kitchen enviroment cooking a meal together.
    If something goes slightly wrong there is no llaughing it off, someone has to be to blame. They redouble the permission asking game until it becomes painful and they are just about asking if they can cross and uncross their legs. It’s like asking absolves them of all blame, and since they just cannot cope with being the cause of even the slightest slip up the asking continues. If they ask but your way of doing things is different tho their preferred way they pout and do it ungraciously. People like this put social harmony on the lowest level of importance in the scheme of things whilst outwardly maintaining that this is their goal. They are trying to achieve social harmony in a way which is doomed to fail.

    msthurnell on 28th February, 2010 at 7:46 pm

23. 

    I too was engaged one day and he single the next. My OCPD broke up with me 3-4 times a day on bad days, but at least 1/week. He suddenly claimed to be a Baptist and said that I needed to agree to let him be in charge or the wedding was off. I am awfully patient and flexible, but giving over my self to that extent is not healthy unless you are a vegetable, a mailorder bride or out of your mind.
    It has been extremely painful.
    I am started to pity him because he will be the one suffering through himself.

    tired of his OCPD on 15th April, 2010 at 2:52 am

24. 

    I have ocd & fear a lot of things especially
    the fear of dying & the fear of self harm.
    I avoid sharp knives by placing washers or towels over them does anyone else have the same fears?

    Scott on 10th May, 2010 at 10:01 am

25. 

    all i can say is WOW
    WOW and DOUBLE WOW!!!
    amen amen and amen
    i hear it all i see it all i live through it all!!
    are they clones from another planet?
    If so I think we should make a great big rocket and send them back and watch them all try and live together. I’d love to be a fly on the wall. Oh no dirty dirty flies!!!God help us all please before we all go crazy in the process and while God is at it a few miracles wouldn’t go astray!!

    michelle on 29th June, 2010 at 11:42 am

26. 

    does anyone have an overwhelming desire for furniture and household items to be perfect and even it dust blows all over them or something they aren’t the same to you any more?

    paula rogers on 1st July, 2010 at 3:03 pm

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